Gene Weingarten’s Dog Food Diet

Cartoon by Eric Shansby

Have I shared with you my “hairy mole” theory? Bear with me for a minute while I explain it. It really does tie into Gene Weingarten’s barking mad dog food diet.

Imagine that you have been dating this guy (girl if you’re a straight guy) for the past two or three months, and he is perfect. You’re falling madly in love, and he can do no wrong. We’ve all been there right? The early stages of most relationships.

One day you decide to lie out on the beach for the afternoon. He’s resting on his back looking all hot in J.Crew trunks and Oakley shades. After a while he rolls over to tan his back.

And there it is: A big, fat, hairy mole winking at you from the center of his back.

You turn white and quickly notice that he has an ink stain on his shorts. What kind of a geek gets an ink stain on a bathing suit? And why doesn’t he wash his hands longer after he pees? Is that sanitary? And another thing, the other night when you called him to say hi, why did he ignore your call after two rings?

The curtain is lifted and suddenly your perfect guy and your perfect relationship are maybe not so perfect anymore.

This is my hairy mole theory. Once you see The Mole you have two choices: find a way out of the relationship or find something really sweet about his “flaws” and decide that he’s a keeper.

So back to Gene. I read his Washington Post Magazine¬†article, “Gene Weingarten: Doggedly pursuing weight loss” on Sunday morning and almost barfed up my steel cut oats. At first I thought maybe he was going to try eating nutritious foods to lose weight. After all he said that rather than “try one of those radical fad diets such as the one created by Dr. Atkins, who said we should only eat fat and grease,” he would devise his own using healthy foods commonly found in American households. I thought that maybe he was going to try the insanely radical all-whole-foods diet, but this is Gene Weingarten. What was I thinking?

His Diet? 

The Dr. Weingarten All-Dog-Food diet.

Did you just hurl? Yeah, that’s where I threw up a bit in my mouth.

For one week Gene ate dog food. The wet stuff was even too much for him, so he switched to just popping crunchy Kibbles. And yes, he did lose weight but then gained it all back over Thanksgiving.

The most amazing aspect of this story to me is that his wife stuck by him — if eating dog food is not a hairy mole, I don’t know what is. I asked Gene on Twitter yesterday first if he really did eat dog food for a week, and he replied, “I did indeed.” I then asked him what his wife thought of the diet, and he tweeted back, “The Rib [his nickname for her] is great at the dramatic eye-roll.”

Theirs is truly a love story.

(I just realized that while typing this post I’ve been cringing in disgust the whole time. Everyone else thinks this is the most disgusting experiment ever, right?)

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